Esquire Names Mila Kunis Sexiest Woman Alive, Disses All Women

Esquire Magazine has just announced that Mila Kunis, the annoying shit from That 70’s Show and recent obsession for people who only like what magazine’s tell them to, is in fact the sexiest woman alive. I’m not joking.

Before I continue, let me get this out of the way: I don’t like Mila Kunis. I never have. This doesn’t mean that I hate her, I just don’t have any reason to like her. All of her characters have been annoying as fuck, and I’ve never understood why people find her to be this amazing goddess. She’s attractive, but she’s nothing like what people make her out to be. Since she’s recently become this trendy big deal, people have been drooling over her as if something has changed. The only thing that has is her sudden appearance in all of these gossip magazines that tell you what you like and want. Now that I’ve got that out in the open, let’s get to explaining why this choice makes no sense.

Of all women running for this title (apparently just one), Mila Kunis managed to take home the imaginary title and make their readers question Esquire’s taste in the female sex. She’ll be landing on the front cover of the magazine in just over a week. According to MSN’s Wonderwall, she’ll be “flaunting her curves”. I have to ask this though: what fucking curves? She has no tits and her butt looks to be pretty average. In fact, you can see a better ass on any random high school girl in the mall. Or Facebook, since every high school girl with a camera wants to share 900 pictures of herself there.

I skimmed through the article on Esquire’s website. It specifically says that she was the funniest part of the sitcom That 70’s Show. Are you out of your fucking skull? The Jackie character was the most annoying character in the show. Being a whiny self obsessed bitch who expects everyone to do everything for you is not funny, it’s mind numbingly irritating. Foreman was without a doubt one of the funniest characters on the show. Hyde and Fez were his only competition. Even Kelso was funnier than the Jackie character and he was as dumb as a sack of Paris Hiltons. Hell, even Tommy Chong’s character was funnier in any single scene than the Jackie character in all of her scenes combined.

And if you want to talk about being sexy, she wasn’t even the sexiest on the show. Tanya Roberts, who played Midge (Donna’s mom) was much hotter and way sexier than Mila Kunis, and she has the actual curves to prove it, rather than imaginary ones that MSN thinks exist on Esquire’s choice.

The Obvious Truth

I can’t look at this picture for too long, as doing so recently caused my pants to explode and kill 4 innocent bystanders.

I suppose that you can go by the idea that sexy is a relative term, and everyone has a different idea of what that is. This is true. Elizabeth Mitchell is so high up the “Sexy Chart” for me that I can’t even see her. But that’s me. I think she’s beautiful, has a great body and based on her interviews, seems like an amazing person. But if you want someone with a similar body to Mila Kunis, than for me it would be Summer Glau. She’s crazy sexy and highly adorable. Like Mila Kunis, she’s skinny, has small tits and a pretty average ass. What sets her apart is how she appears to be (interviews and such) and the characters that she plays. There is more to sexy than just looks.

Still, I can’t ignore the fact that the people who keep getting thrust into these made up titles are people who the gossip magazines suddenly want to obsess over. If they are attractive at all, and popular, they win. It seems to be the only real requirement. As long as you’re someone that the magazines are paying attention to, and you’re trending a lot in social media and searches, you’re the one to get picked. I truly believe it’s a marketing ploy, not just by the magazines but by others involved with the merchandise being supported by the celebrity. If not, why didn’t they choose this person a few years ago? Nothing has changed. In Mila Kunis’ case, she looks exactly the same as she did 10 years ago. How has she become more sexy now than she has over the last several years? She’s still short, skinny and brunette. Why not crown her a few years ago when they magazines weren’t shoving her down our throat?

“Sexiest Person Alive” is a stupid title, and has as much validity as a “World’s Greatest Grandpa” t-shirt. You’re basically saying that all other women are nothing compared to her, which makes you incredibly dense considering there are millions of women throughout the world who these celebrities don’t even compare to. Here are 30 pictures of non celebrities and regular women (including a few models and a porn star) who are much more beautiful and sexy than any of these A-list celebrities who keep winning these goofy ass titles:



Plus 3 pictures of Misa Campo, who has a similar look (but a much hotter body).


If you want to challenge it with celebrities only, here are 10 female celebrities who are sexier than Mila Kunis:

Alison Lohman




Demi Lavoto


Desiree-Elyda Villalobos


Diora Baird


Jennifer Connelly


Julia Benson


Kelly Hu


Lexa Doig


Olivia Wilde


Thandie Newton


Those are 40 better looking people and I wasn’t even trying! But since they aren’t currently super popular with the magazines, or in the cases of the regular people are just unknown to any of us, they aren’t even considered. Those random pictures of regular girls are much more beautiful than any celebrity on any magazine cover in stores today.

The title should actually be “Sexiest Woman Celebrity That You Know Of and Currently Markets Well”. That’s what it’s all about. Mila Kunis compared to Diora Baird is like comparing a candle to the Sun. Comparing her to Jennifer Connelly isn’t even something you can quantify. Jennifer Connelly has class, which added to the fact that she’s very gorgeous only makes it that much harder to find someone better than her.

It’s obvious that the ones who get picked for this kind of thing are not done so because they are worthy of actually holding the title. I believe the gossip magazines and news outlets live in a different world than the rest of us. They seem to take a handful of names that have been popular for the last year or so, put them in a hat and draw one out. I suppose that I should be happy that her name was picked over some of the douchebags that they could have chosen. At least they didn’t pick Kristen Stewart’s doped up looking ass, or that singing mannequin Lady Gaga.

It would just be nice if they labeled the article what it really is:

“Mila Kunis is popular right now and on our cover, buy our magazine!”

She may be attractive, but she is not the sexiest woman alive. Not by a long shot.

Note: MSN decided that everyone posting comments in disagreement with Esquire’s choice could go fuck themselves, then deleted all of the comments.

1 thought on “Esquire Names Mila Kunis Sexiest Woman Alive, Disses All Women”

  1. I love how all “most beautiful woman…” or “sexiest woman…” are always famous people… Exactly how hard did you look at all other women before you claim crap like that???? You might be surprised, but “world” includes other places outside of Hollywood…
    this is fucking sick.. I’m sorry…. My wife is the sexiest woman on earth. Mila is cool but my guess is even SHE would think this “sexiest woman in the world” is bullshit…
    Whoever decides who is sexy and not, did you try the jungles in the Amazon or the bush in Ghana? and they don’t even wear clothes.. Their tits hang like plants in a ‘cat lady’s’ home…

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