I feel like I’m cursed when it comes to television shows. I don’t watch many but those that I do like are either cancelled, or destined for the chopping block. It’s almost certain.
Over the years, I’ve watched many great TV shows die at the hands of executives who decided we needed more bullshit reality TV shows instead of great sci-fi, horror, comedy, or anything else that isn’t a bullshit reality TV show. I’ve seen terrible shows pop up and be commended for everything, while simultaneously suck tremendously. Fans clamour on, beg for more of the ones killed in the line of duty, but the ones who control the kill switch let it die anyway.
It all started with The Others
In February of 2000, NBC dropped a dark, creepy series on the world called The Others. It had nothing to do with Nicole Kidman and her weird ass children who, despite not being allowed to open their curtains, knew that birds were shiting on their windows. This show was based around a group of people who had heightened abilities, such as precognition, the ability to see hidden signs, and a slew of other things. Personally, the guy who could see signs was my favorite because he was hilarious and completely out of his mind.
The show revolved around their abilities, and showed how they would use them in their daily lives. Many times they had to deal with evil forces, like Kristen Cloke when she wanted to be let in. However, Bill Cobb wasn’t having any of that shit so he told her to take her ass the fuck out, sprinkled some sea salt and banned her from the living room. Ok, so I made it sound more ridiculous than it actually was. The idea and execution of the show was perfect. It was, and still is one of my favorite television shows of all time.
The show lived for 13 episodes, ended weirdly due to NBC showing the last two out of order, and then never returned. Fuck you NBC. The only thing you’ve had on since that was worth a shit was the original Law & Order and My Name is Earl, both of which are no longer on. Law and Order managed to outlive nearly everything around it through the years, but Earl was killed off way before it should have been.
So with parts of the cast being killed in the actual season finale, the fans were left with a cliffhanger that made us wish the next season started the minute the first season ended. Unfortunately, it never started because NBC decided to face fuck us and cancel the show.
The final episode of The Others, “Life is for the Living”. Not sure how long it will be there. NBC will likely go fuck everyone by having it removed, then continue to never put out a DVD version of it.
John Doe, the man who knows everything except anything about himself
Two years after The Others, Fox jumped on the “Fuck Dave” bandwagon by starting and killing a show called John Doe. The show was about a man who woke up naked on an island off the coast of Washington State. He had no idea who he was, how he got there and could only see in black and white. While this sounds like pretty much any drunk guy’s Sunday morning, he did also have complete knowledge of any known fact.
Dominic Purcell played the main character, a man who having no name opted for the very fitting name “John Doe”. John routinely helped solve crimes with his kick ass Encyclopedia Brown ability. He could tell you anything about everything. This frequently annoyed some of the characters, as he would explain details of manufacturing processes, little known trivia, and a variety of mundane things related to anything he happened to come into contact with or be discussing with someone. It wasn’t something he was forced to do, he just talked a lot and always wanted to make people happy. Also, if he knew how to do something, he could do it. Drive a stick? No problem. Fly a helicopter? Piece of cake. What kind of hot dogs does he like? No clue.
As the series progressed, John found out a variety of information about himself. Some was real, some was fake. He also found out that a crazy religious cult was stalking him, using people involved with remote viewing to locate not just him but also an object they had be searching for, which as it turns out, was in Vatican City.
The gravy thickens.
Throughout the series, John remains friends with a weird guy named Digger. How he got the name, no one knows. He’s a very shady guy, clearly involved with a variety of illegal activities, but he helps John and the police when he can. He has another friend named Karen who acts as his assistant through the series. The two are close, but she dies at the hands of the looney bin cult. This pisses John off, as you might imagine. As he finally finds the assholes who are fucking up his life, killing off his assistants and being dick holes by stalking him, he learns that the mastermind behind everything is actually Digger. John, shocked at this fact, does not catch Digger and ask why he killed Karen to death. Instead, he looks at him like “dude, wtf?”, then Digger is all like “Peace Out, Bitches!”, and John is all sad and shit.
Fox, knowing that this was a major cliffhanger to a kick ass show, cancelled the shit out of it. It cancelled it so hard that even the Sci-Fi channel didn’t pick it up after the Internet suggested it (and based on the bullshit Sci-Fi will show, it must have been cancelled into oblivion). Fox decided that the viewers of John Doe were all fuckbags who didn’t need to watch that show, opting to provide us with great wholesome family entertainment instead. That’s right, we got to watch two cunt bags travel across the country and treat people like shit, simply because they’re rich. And that stupid shit ran for 5 fucking seasons.
The final episode of John Doe, “The Rising”.
Another television show that ends in The Dead Zone
Around the same time that John Doe was trying to remember if he liked relish or not, USA was pushing out a phenomenal television show based on a novel by Stephen King. The Dead Zone starred Anthony Michael Hall as Johnny Smith, a witty teacher who was devoted to his students, his mother and his longtime girlfriend, Sarah.
In the first episode, Johnny gets into an accident that lands him in a coma for about 6 years. When he awakens, instead of finding out that Kelly LeBrooke is by his bedside as he vows to defeat badguys with martial arts, he finds that his world is turned upside down. His mother has passed away, Sarah gave up on him and married the sheriff (who was one of their best characters, I might add), she had a kid that was actually Johnny’s, and all kinds of shit went down. Oh, and he also developed the ability to see the past and future when he touches objects.
Note: The Kelly Lebrooke thing would have been interesting consdering he and his friend made her in Weird Science.
The show often had Johnny dealing with tragedies that he tried to prevent. Most of the time, he succeeded. His best friend/sidekick Bruce was always there to help him, and frequently landed in a lot of trouble when doing so. Still, he always had Johnny’s back when he needed it. Johnny also became good friends with Walt, the dude who married Sarah. The relationship between Johnny and Sarah was weird, but for two people who were in love as long as they were, that’s to be expected.
One of my favorite episodes was Deja Voodoo, which featured a series of visions all wrapped inside each other. He would attempt to fix something and end with a not so pleasant outcome, then realize it was a vision. This happened multiple times before he finally did what he was actually supposed to do.
The show lasted for 6 seasons, which is a long time for many shows. It is by far the longest running of any of the shows in this article. It featured mystery, suspense, and a lot of well written humor, executed flawlessly by Anthony Michael Hall (Johnny), John L. Adams (Bruce), and Chris Bruno (Walt). It’s one of my all time favorite shows, and thanks to Netflix, I’m able to watch it over and over again.
As with the original story, Johnny frequently saw visions of the end of the world. It was being pushed by the hand of a politician named Greg Stillson. Stillson was a shady character, often resorting to threats and blackmail to get what he wanted. Anytime he came into contact with Johnny, our hero would see a vision of Washington being consumed in a raging rolling fire. While this sounds like something that should absolutely be allowed to happen, Johnny was an optimist and believed that our politicians didn’t really need to be burned to death in a massive clusterfuck of flame.
So he wasn’t perfect.
If you’ve ever seen the original movie, you know how this has to end. Johnny must ensure that Stillson does not take office. In the original version, it costs him his life to do so, but he saves the world. In the end of the last season, we are left with a cliffhanger as per usual, wondering what the hell is going to happen. We still have no idea!
The shitfaces at USA decided to cancel the show because the ratings were low and the cost of the show was high. The damn thing had amazing special effects for television, doing Matrix-style “bullet time” to show Johnny’s visions begin. So thanks to those douchebags, the fans are left wondering what the hell is going on. There was a hope that the Sci-Fi Channel would pick it up, but that went the same way as John Doe being picked up. Maybe we’ll eventually get a made for tv movie that finishes everything up. Hopefully at least.
And they should bring back Dana because she’s stupid hot.
The opening for The Dead Zone
Several years down the road, Fox came back to bring me something awesome before ramming my ass with the Dildo of Cancellation. This time the show was Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. At first, I wasn’t a fan of the show. I didn’t really get Summer Glau’s character. She went from being this sweet, normal girl to suddenly being a robotic thing that can’t figure out that walking around in your bra might seem a little weird to people.
After the first episode, the show grew on me in a major way. Not only did I become a fan of the series, but I’m now a big fan of Summer. I think she’s a brilliant actress. She played the part of a robot very well, but the writing that made her go from a sweet normal person to having no idea what that even is anymore just made no sense. I suppose they thought it would be confusing, though Robert Patrick did this very well in Terminator II: Judgement Day.
The series was excellent. It showed that Skynet had a lot of shit up it’s metallic sleeve. Several machines had been sent back through time to perform various missions in various times. One ended up in the early 1900’s by mistake, but managed to set up a plan to allow him to later perform his mission anyway. Rebel forces also came back, setting up various plans of their own.
The mythology of the Terminator series was also expanded. We found out that Kyle Reese has a brother who went back and got involved with their fight against Skynet. We saw first hand how Sarah would try to hide John from his destiny. The struggle he faced with needing to become a great military leader while his mother would never allow him to even leave the house was very clear and evident. She knew what he had to become but wouldn’t allow him to do anything in order to do so. We also learned that some machines do not agree with Skynet. One utilizes a Chess program that learns, gets pissed off when it loses, and knows that Solek resides in Karda Nui and idolizes the Toa. It was later modified and used to run John Henry, the body of the main nemesis terminator in the series.
The best part of the series was Summer. Her character was a new type of Terminator. She wasn’t built for battle, but seemed more human than machine in many instances, especially with John. There was clearly some kind of emotional connection between the two of them, despite her being a machine. When Terminator Salvation came out, it became very clear to me that she has to be similar to Marcus. Where Marcus is a combination of man and machine, she must also be the same. We saw in an episode where she was copied from a woman in the future named Allison. The machines captured her, questioned her, copied her and killed her. At some point, John got a hold of her. How, we don’t know. I suspect that she’s actually some kind of hybrid, and the human side is what is relating to John so much.
In the final few episodes, we saw several things happen. John’s uncle gets killed. Dean Winters (The Mayhem Guy) dies from lots of…well…mayhem. John Henry seemed to be learning and evolving more, and even developed a major connection to a little girl. He protected her when an intruder came to her house, fearing for her life if she was found by the man. He could also tell that the boss of the company constructing him was not human, when in fact she was a T-1000 liquid metal terminator with her own agenda. Summer and John were getting very close, and had an edge of your seat “OMG they’re going to fuck” moment. Seriously, the fact that John didn’t fuck her, knowing full well that she had to do anything he said, makes me want to vote for whoever he’s running against when it comes time to choose the the rebellion leader.
In the final episode, Summer gets fucked the hell up by a lot of gunfire. She also sacrifices herself to John Henry, who takes her chip and portal jumps into the future. Summer leaves a message for John expressing that she is sorry. John, distraught by the fact that his girlfriend’s head is cut open and her brain has been stolen by the guy from Raising Hope, follows through the portal and finds not just his uncle alive again, but also Allison. This was of course before she was killed and copied. They have no idea who he is. However, his father shows up and seems to have a weird feeling when he see’s his future son who apparently will now never be. Sarah is left on the other side with the creepy liquid metal lady and a bunch of police looking for her.
Massive Cliffhanger! Huge outpouring of excitement from the fans! The response from Fox clearly must have been to renew the show for several more seasons, knowing full well that this could be a potentially huge property for them, especially with Terminator Salvation in the works.
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is loved by fans? It could be great and awesome? Wait, are there wealthy whores running around in it fucking up lives, or marrying guys simply for their money? None!? You mean it’s not a reality show, featuring a bunch of wannabe singers, most of which you can’t tell the difference between? Does the sexy female star of the show dress in a bunch of random hot outfits? What?! She wears jeans and a jacket!? Bring the Giant Dildo of Cancellation!
Yes, the show was cancelled. They kicked it off the air faster than Janet Jackson’s nipple. Had I known of the Curse of Summer Glau, I may have been better prepared. For some reason, putting Summer in a show will end it. Firefly, Terminator, and later The Cape. She’s an excellent actress but apparently carries with her a weird mojo that destroys TV shows. Maybe she’s too hot to have on TV. I could believe that.
There is still a force working to try and get the show reinstated. Save the Sarah Connor Chronicles was launched and has been working big time to get the word out about the show. They’ve done a lot to try and get it back on the air, but the assholes in charge don’t care. They’d rather be bags of hobo pricks and cancel everything great. Meanwhile, Dollhouse stayed on the air, ruining Eliza Dushku’s good looks by showing her horrible acting.
V (2009) or The Show That Started My Fascination With Elizabeth Mitchell
Years ago there used to be a show called V. Aliens came to earth, we knew about it, they did some shit, some things happened, it had a movie, some other shit happened, the end. It doesn’t matter. The point is that this show was a remake. Unlike most remakes, I actually liked this one.
In the show, the incredibly hot Elizabeth Mitchell plays an FBI agent who is investigating a cult with her partner, Steve the Pirate, from Dodgeball. Their first run in with the “cult” results in her partner’s sort of death. This is when she finds out that Steve the Pirate is actually an alien lizard from space. Also, he wants to kill her for finding out his secret identity.
Elizabeth decides to find out what the fuck is going on. She learns that the V’s (the aliens lizards) are actually evil assholes, commanded by the evil alien lizard asshole leader Anna. Anna, though hot with a giraffe neck (seriously, it was probably just the hairstyle that made her neck look so long), is actually a super bitch who wants to kill everyone. Her plan to fuck up the world comes in various forms, including using her own daughter (the stupid hot Laura Vandervoort) as sexual bait for Elizabeth’s son, Tyler. Tyler, a complete tool who should have been aborted, acts like an ass to his mother through most of the series, does a lot of really stupid shit and eventually gets killed.
In the episode where Tyler finally dies and the world rejoices, a lot of shit went down. We found out that there was a large underground government organization that was tracking and preparing to fight the V’s, that Lisa is now locked up in the basement with no TV or cake, and that Anna can now use her mind control to control humans and is brainwashing the whole planet! Huge goings on are sure to happen in Season 3. Elizabeth would likely beat the holy hell out of Anna for killing her douche bag of a son, followed by adopting Anna’s lizard daughter before running off with the awesome Australian guy who vanished after causing the death of her ex-husband and getting to bone my now #1 top of the list Get Out of Jail Free Card Choice, yet still had me rooting for him through the show.
ABC, a station we usually forget about, decided to take a queue from Fox and NBC to butt rape us with their own Dildo of Cancellation, but this time covering it with sandpaper and broken glass.
You don’t have a massive cliffhanger like the one on V and then cancel the fucking show! You cockbags are barely even a station any more, you need all the help you can get!
Seriously though, she should have been doing Father Jack. That coupling made way more sense than the sudden thrusted connection of her and Kyle Hobbs.
Watch the Pilot Trailer for V.
The biggest thing that pisses me off about these cancellations are the cliffhangers. You want to know what’s going to happen to the characters. You’ve become invested in the stories. You sat through the shitty commercials in between and watched for hours, wondering what would happen next. Is Miriam ever going to stop being a whiny bitch and accept that she has psychic powers? Will John ever find out why Digger keeps stalking him and why his fucking name is Digger? Might John Connor finally bone his hot as fuck robot body guard or at least the human version of her? Will Elizabeth Mitchell get naked?
OK that last one was really just for me. Here’s a real one:
Will Elizabeth Mitchell get naked and wrestle with a naked Anna, but not so naked that she’s out of her human skin and in her alien lizard skin?
We will never know. What should have happened is once word of a cancellation came down, the creators had a chance to tie everything up with a major 2 hour finale. Perhaps 4 hours over two episodes if needed. This way they could give their shows a proper goodbye before we were forced to watch whatever travesty they filled the slot with.
What if they knew they were going to be cancelled?
The Others would have liked killed off the whole cast and not just a few members. Miriam may have survived, and gone off to live her life, fully aware and finally capable of handling her powers.
John Doe would have found out his real identity, learned what happened to him (which the creators actually explained online after being cancelled), and found out why the hell they call that guy Digger.
The Dead Zone already has a conclusion. We know that Stillson will not be allowed to take office, and Johnny will likely die. My ending would have him and Alex, a woman who has a similar ability and gets along great with Johnny, getting hooked up with our hero in black.
I like to think that with Terminator, we would have learned what the hell was really going on with Summer. She was a very conflicted, strange character who did a lot of things that were out of place. A machine does not do ballet by itself and it does not eat. This one does. It also doesn’t have very realistically touching moments with humans (one was married to achieve his goal, but he was very distant with his wife, clearly showing that something was wrong), though Summer did this often. I like to think that we would find out that she was part human, and actually did learn to love someone, which resulted in her affection for John. John Henry would have likely tried to share his compassion with Skynet, or fought against it. Perhaps at some point John died in the future, and Summer continued to carry on his battle. At one point we find out that John relays most messages through Summer, so that could likely have happened. At some point, the series would tie together with the movie.
With V, I think they would have ended the show with a massive assault on the lizard queen. Elizabeth would be leading the fight (hopefully naked, covered lightly in pudding), with fellow V rebels at her side. She would even have Anna’s daughter going at her. As for which one would kill Anna, that’s hard to say. Likely it would have been her own daughter, while Elizabeth would have killed the daughter clone that actually killed her shitbag son Tyler. And by killed I mean given a medal and box of chocolates. Or flies.
But we’ll never know what happened. Why? Because the networks fucking hate us. They want us to love a show so they can torture us by killing it. Well, based on what Wikipedia has on My Name is Earl, Jason Lee (Earl) is working toward finishing off their cancelled show with a movie. It makes sense, and hopefully that happens. For the other shows, I’ll have to rely on my own imagination, though I’m sure both Elizabeth Mitchell and Summer Glau hope I don’t.
Seriously though, Elizabeth Mitchell and Summer Glau are excellent, brilliant actresses. I wish them both the best of luck with whatever shows they end up on. They both have a lot of talent, are highly beautiful, and will have me as a fan for a very long time. That’s not the greatest prize in the world, but it was either that or I make them a sandwich. They may prefer the sandwich.