Entertainment

Merida Can’t Be Brave If She’s More Appealing

Disney has once again inflamed the army of crazy mothers who want to control the world. This time, they are doing it through the cute redhead Merida, from the movie Brave.

Anyone who has ever seen Brave knows that this character was a self sufficient, do-what-I-want kind of person. She didn’t take shit from people. When her mother tried to make her do her “Royal Duty” of picking a husband from a select group of douchebags, Mierida refused and turned her into a bear. You know, just like anyone in her position would do.

Anyway, this chick is one of my favorite Disney characters because she was very much her own person. They have other female characters who don’t play by the rules that are supposed to govern them, but in Merida’s case, she was a fireball of rebellion just waiting to happen. That was the main driving force behind why this character was so awesome, and why people liked her.

Disney recently cleaned up the character and presented a different version of her. This one is older. Her dress is also new, and she isn’t sporting her trademark bow. She also doesn’t have that goofy ass half grin that I personally find adorable. Nope, she’s smiling with her mouth closed.

Queue the lunatics.

Thanks Disney, a bunch of fuckhead mothers are pissed off. They’ve launched online campaigns to voice their disapproval of Disney letting the character grow up. Through one simple 2D image of a character that was previously a 3D model, these idiots have imagined a ton of crazy. To better illustrate (pun not intended), let’s go through the list of changes that Yahoo! has presented us with:

She’s older and has a thinner waistline.
The mothers apparently expect her to never age, and never lose any weight. Did any of these people get pissed off when Kirstie Alley went from planet size to normal? Likely not, so why get worked up over a Disney character dropping a dress size or two? Do you really think this is going to make your child think they need to lose weight? If so, you’re an incredibly shitty parent who has allowed your child to base their life around the physical appearance of an imaginary character.

Sultrier Eyes
I don’t see that at all. I just see a 2D image of almost the same face, but without the 3D aspect. There is nothing sultry about the new blank, lifeless eyes.

A coquettish expression
For those who don’t know, let’s define the big ass word they chose to use after cracking open their new thesaurus.

[quote align=”left”]Coquettish means: teasing sexual or romantic overtures; flirtatious[/quote]

Seriously, they really think that’s what that almost blank expression is? You guys really have no idea what you’re talking about if you really think that dead mannequin looking expression she’s making is sexual at all. Hell, it’s not even in the same ballpark as flirtatious. It’s more like the kind of expression someone gives you when they are satisfied with the big dump they just took. There is nothing sexual about it. If you really think it is, you have one hell of a boring and pointless love life, full lackluster passion that unprecedentedly temperate and chimerically exiguous.

(I can use the thesaurus, too.)

Tamed Curls
For fucks sake, don’t let her ever locate a brush. She can poison her mother and turn her into a bear, but using a brush is just damned disgusting!

More Exposed Skin
Her dress is off the shoulders and lower cut than the original, which they mention was restrictive and hated by the character. So not only is she not allowed to use a brush, she’s also not allowed to choose her own clothing?! Her tits aren’t falling out of it for fucks sake, and the damn thing is still full length. You’d rather stick her back in that vein crushing super tight dress that even the character loathed.

Jesus Christ in a dump truck, could you imagine what they would have done if she had her hair up in a ponytail and shortened her skirt to show her ankles? There would be a damn riot!

Sexist Nonsense

I’ve read that these completely boring changes to Merida have been called sexist. I’m not sure how that is because nothing they’ve done even comes close to being sexist. She’s not in a kitchen with a ball and chain around her foot. She isn’t being told she can’t do something because she’s a woman (they reserved that for the actual movie). They didn’t give her a couple DD cups and have her pose half naked next to her husband as he opens a jar for her. Yet, the complains of her slight clothing and physical changes, all of which were very conservative, especially by today’s standards, are sexist.

Beyond the lunatic mothers, even the creator of the character said these changes are sexist. To all of you, I say this:

HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY SEXIST?! NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING THEY’VE DONE IS SEXIST YOU FUCKTARDS!

Hell, she isn’t even “sexier”!  And why don’t you shitheads complain about the stereotypical male characters while you’re on this sexist schtick? If you have a handsome  muscular guy who constantly has his shirt off, that’s fine, but drop her neckline an inch and it’s time to go to war. One of the great things about Merida was that the amazing thing about her was the personality behind her. She’s an attractive character, but that’s not why I like her. I like her because of who she is supposed to be. I’d much rather watch Brave than Pocahontas, and considering she’s been called the most voluptuous Disney character (who by the way is way off the map from what the actual Pocahontas looked like) and I am the type of person who is attracted to such a curvy body, it’s saying something! Give me Merida and her fiery kick-ass nature over that sexy bodied Pocahontas any day.

Tons of women talking about how hot and attractive these dudes are, but somehow, not sexist. I bet if I was talking about how hot and sexy Merida is, I'd be considered sexist. You fucking dickheads.
Tons of women are talking about how hot and attractive these dudes are, but somehow, that’s acceptable and not sexist (and it’s on Teen.com at that!). But hey, they are are guys so it can’t be sexist.

You know something that actually IS sexist? When you decide that a character can’t change a certain way because they are a specific sex. You can’t draw a character in a nicer, cleaned up way because that would be sexist. You can’t draw a female character with big tits because that’s sexist. Comic books catch hell for that all the time. They never get it for they guys, but always for the women.

In Merida’s case, she’s not even changing that much. She got older and her tits didn’t even get any bigger (or if they did, I can’t really tell). But could you imagine the shit storm if she went up a cup size?! Fucking hell, the sexist labels would be thrown at Disney faster than Merida can shoot an arrow.

What’s funny is that these lunatics think that because Disney made these highly minimal changes to the character, she won’t be “brave” anymore. Right, because she’s going to completely switch gears and become a submissive pacifist overnight. That shit, is laughable. You could put Merida in a sting bikini with a Hello Kitty tattoo on her ass and she’d still spit in your eye and kick you in the throat if you pissed her off. She’s a strong character, and that’s what makes her awesome. Her personality isn’t changing. They didn’t make any heavy modifications. She’s not the new Robocop.

While the complaints seem to attack Disney and their “message to young girls”, it also seems to provide it’s own message. The message is that you can’t change, ever. You must wear the same clothes, you must not find yourself attractive, you must not brush your hair, and for fucks sake, don’t ever…EVER…lose weight. If you do, you are a traitor piece of shit sexist whore who should be cast into a flaming pit of garbage.

Personally, I like the image of the character as she was, but not because of any of the crazy shit these people are complaining about. I just like the 3D rendering more than this shitty 2D version of her. It looks horrible compared to the 3D version. Yet, Disney paid someone to do that for a limited run of products. That was just stupid Disney. You already have the 3D version, just copy and paste her ass on the lunch boxes and socks that you‘re selling and go about your day. Stop paying people to make substandard versions of something you already have.

Miley Cyrus has shown us through recent years that if you’re the role model for children of idiot parents who think the television is a place of role models, you aren’t allowed to make any decisions that might cause them to have to do any parenting on their own. Every change she makes gets a shit storm thrown at her by these halfwits who act like she’s damaging their children. She isn’t. They are. After all, they are the parent who is responsible for making sure their children grow up to be logical, thinking adults who don’t try to define their self worth by the measurements of a fucking Barbie Doll.

Note: I should mention that I titled this article the way I did because the main focus is on her appearance, and how it’s somehow “sexier”. It isn’t sexier, unless you’re a virgin Amish caveman who has never seen a woman before. I personally don’t find the new character more appealing at all, but that’s the way the complaints from people seem to be aimed. They say that Disney is trying to make her sexier, which translates to more appealing. If this is your idea of sexy, you are a very sad person.

As I said, the 2D version looks like shit. The 3D one is much better. Create a 3D version of her with the changes made in the 2D drawing and maybe I’ll change my mind.

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