Proving The Tall Man is a name that should only apply to Angus Scrimm

Contains movies spoilers!

Those of us who are fans of the horror series Phantasm immediately recognize the name “The Tall Man”. When news of a movie with the same name hit, we naturally assumed it might be a new Phantasm. Sadly, we were wrong.

This movie was highly anticipated by those who read the Internet spawned myth of the Slender Man.  This flick stars Jessica Biel and Jodelle Ferland, two young women who exist on opposite ends of the film industry spectrum. You’ll remember Jessica Biel from her role as the pair of tits that every many lusted after in the early 2000’s. If you need a better visual reminder, rent the Michael Bay remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You’ll see his shit stains all over it, seeing as how he took great source material and wiped his ass with it. In that film, Biel’s rack bounces around in the rain and makes you forget pretty much everything else in the movie.

Jodelle, who just turned 18 a week ago, creeps people the hell out in movies like Case 39 and Silent Hill. She often plays girls who are 5 or more years younger than she actually is, but lately that’s become impossible. She’s gotten a bit too curvy to play a 10 year old, so we’ve started seeing her pop up in more age appropriate roles for her. Still, she’s adorable and very pretty, so much that it seems wrong that she can be so scary. She has that Katie Featherston thing going on. Katie Featherson….a woman that hot should not be able to be that fucking scary.

Anyway, back to the movie.

My first thought of what to say about this movie is “Fuuuuuuuuuck Yooooooooooou”, directing it squarely at the film makers. Midway through I felt like I was watching something on Lifetime. This is certainly not what people expected. It wasn’t about the Slender Man or even the Tall Man (apparently they are two different things, yet still not found in this film).

The movie attempts to be creepy, in a suspense/thriller on network television kind of way. For all the fear they think they’re causing, they flush it all away when they reveal the story secret. Instead of a serial killer, we find out that someone is just kidnapping and giving the kids away. That’s like watching Friday the 13th, but then suddenly finding out that Jason is secretly relocating all of the people he’s supposedly killing, sending them to live with new families around the country. And why? Because he thinks they would be better off. Better off than what? The only person in the whole film who had a shitty life was Jodelle. Not once did they show us any other family to make this movie make any kind of sense, or even try to live up to the bullshit it was presenting. It was a complete waste of time.

Thankfully, Jodelle is cute so that helped. It would have been a much better movie if William B. Davis would have popped a cigarette and revealed that the whole town is actually being subjected to an alien vaccination test. That, or if Stephen McHattie just started shooting everyone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *