Entertainment

Robocop: The latest effort of Hollywood to rape my childhood again

I’m not a fan of the lunatic path Hollywood has been traveling down, leading them to reboot and remake every damn movie from the last 20 – 30 years. I’m pretty sure I voiced my disapproval pretty clearly on the song Hollywood, so at the moment I won’t go into what would likely be 50 pages of ranting. Instead, I’m going to focus on the latest film that ass hats in Hollywood have targeted for destruction: Robocop.

The Original Robocop

Nancy Allen as Office Lewis in Robocop

For those of you who don’t know what it is, because you’re too young and stupid to watch a movie made before 2001 or because you’re Amish, Robocop is a heartwarming tale of a man named Murphy who works for his family, provides everything they need via his job as a badass crime fighting machine. Yes, he’s part of the Detroit Police Department. In fact, he’s their newest member, entering into a precinct that is essentially owned and operated by a corporation. They work in the worst environments, operate out of a building that looks like someone beat the ever loving shit out of it, and have to fight against criminals who pack weapons the military hasn’t even seen.

During his first run on the streets with his new partner, a badass chick who can clearly hold her own in this town, Murphy accidently gets slaughtered to death by Red Forman and his evil band of assholes. They mutilate the hell out of him, turning this once devoted husband and loving father into a chewed up hunk of bologna. Basically, they kill him.

However, there is good news! Because Murphy drank a gallon of Tiger blood from the Holy Grail of Chuck Norris, he manages to sort of survive. OCP, the company that owns the Police, has plans for our hero. A team led by Miguel Ferrer, who you may remember as the guy who wouldn’t get the hell out of my dreams for about a week, work tirelessly to turn this meager collection of body parts into an unstoppable cyborg. Yes, this is the 80’s so keep that in mind.

Robocop, equipped with Murphy’s thoughts and memories, stalks the streets of Detroit in search of bad guys who try to rape women, rob from old people, and threaten the lives of our asshole politicians. So he isn’t perfect, but he does come with a big fully automatic handgun that he stores inside his leg.

The Robocop Remake

Ok, now that you’re caught up, did you notice if I mentioned anywhere in there that he was dropped off in a foreign country for battle testing against Al Queda? How about that his parts were manufactured in China? No? That’s because that fucking shit never happened!

Drew McWeeny over at HitFix went through a copy of the script and voiced his dismay on Twitter. The tweets go on for some time and are enough to make anyone want to buy the original movie, not out of support for it, but to use as projectiles to hurl at the assholes who wrote this thing.

According to the tweets, Robocop is now a form of Transformer that can switch from Combat mode to Social mode. This sounds like they are trying to combine the regular Robocop with the stupid part in Robocop II where the higher ups at OCP wanted to make him more friendly, P.C., and use as a teaching tool for children. This only resulted in more crime and less smoking.

Look, Robocop doesn’t have a “social” mode. He’s combat mode, always. He’s a big hunk of metal with a dead guy inside, walking around with a gun in his leg that he can blast your nuts off with at 100 paces while you hide them behind a woman’s dress in the dark! He’s not a social creature! He doesn’t have Facebook friends. He’s an amazing piece of hardware that thinks, acts, and kills the hell out of bad guys. That’s not social, that’s antisocial to an extreme degree.

Also, the suit is going to be changed. They are updating the look of it because he “looks like a toy from the 80s”. What the flying nun fuck?. That is Robocop, not a damn Barbie Doll. He doesn’t need fashion advice and he doesn’t need to look meaner, especially if you want him to be “social”.

Robocop and Lewis

While all of this is going on, the legendary predecessor to Robocop, ED209, is out in Iran battling Suicide Bombers. Who the hell is writing this shit? Did they even watch the original movies, or did they just Google it, get a few characters and just start throwing darts at the newspaper?

Oh, and the kickass female lead that Murphy was partnered with, is now a dude. I’m not saying that Nancy Allen looked particularly flattering in that bulletproof vest and heavy police uniform, but at least she had tits and no dick. I’m not sure why Hollywood is wanting to fuck with roles in movies. Ash from Evil Dead is now a girl, Lewis is now a dude. Next Jackie Chan will be playing Martin Luther King, Jr and Rosie O’Donnell will be cast as the female lead in the Dirty Dancing remake.

Knowing that somewhere, some crack addict screenwriter is coming up with ways to modernize films that need no such work, only makes me hate Hollywood more. I lack the will to watch any of the bullshit they produce, and refuse to buy any of the garbage. Fuck, I don’t even download them because they’re not even worth a few clicks to a Torrent site.

How I feel while watching these reboots. Or listening to Lady Gaga.

But they don’t give a shit. The steamroller is moving and it’s just going to keep crushing movies into dust. It was just announced that there will be an ALF movie, and likely going to include a CG version of our favorite cat eating alien. None of the fans seem to want this, but Hollywood knows best so they’ll just say fuck you and do it anyway.

So while they dump tons of cash into this new, cheesy, wussy Robocop who is said to be made to “incapacitate in all scenarios” to “keep him PG-13”, I’ll be watching Peter Weller stab people in the throat with the hidden spike in his fist, and cause a guy to crash into some toxic chemicals that make his skin melt from his face and hands. That’s the way Robocop is meant to be viewed.

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