Recently, Miley opened up about sex. For those of you who still think she’s golden dove from the throne of God, get ready to get your minds fucked. Miley, who has clearly had sex, explained that sex is magical. Yes, she said it’s magical. She also said it’s beautiful.
First of all, sex is not magical and it’s not beautiful. It’s messy, sweaty, and depending on your location and preferences, may or may not include a family member and small animal. Seriously though, there isn’t anything beautiful about it. Sticking your dick into a girl’s vagina so you can squish around and make a bunch of bodily fluids shoot out isn’t quite the same as the sunset on the beach.
Also, unless she’s having sex with Merlin, it’s not magical. Sparks don’t fly, the world doesn’t move in slow motion, and Kenny G doesn’t start playing jazz music in the background for you. Sometimes Vanilla Ice does, but that’s to be expected.
Now, that’s not to say sex is just a completely dirty thing. It is what you make of it, but beautiful is something it’s very unlikely to ever be. Remember the squishy fluid filled image I mentioned before? That happens to everyone during sex. Depending on how you are doing it, it could be considered illegal in some places, and I’m not kidding. I’m also not sure what positions she’s believes are beautiful. Blowing a cock while getting one shoved up your ass may be what she meant, or perhaps being licked by three midgets and a donkey while the Dallas Cowboys piss and beat off on your face is what constitutes beautiful. Who am I to judge when it comes to how people want to do the while monkey dance?
As Miley goes further into loonyland, she states that it’s “the only way that we create and it’s the only way that the world keeps going. It’s ignorant to not talk to your kids about it or make it seem like it’s not as cool or magical as it actually is. If kids]have a TV, they know what sex is. Everyone knows, so educate them.”
Talking to your kids about sex is one thing, but no (sane) parent wants their children to think sex is cool. Who the fuck would tell their child that sex is cool and magical? Do you really think it’s a good idea for parents to start explaining about how awesome sex is? Do you expect them to not go out and try to fuck everyone in sight after you fill their heads with this? I can agree that it’s pretty awesome, and there isn’t much that comes close to that feeling, but I’m not going to explain that to my kid. Why? Because I don’t want to be a grandparent while she’s in middle school you stupid ass!
I can agree with her on something though. Basing your self worth on what you can do for someone sexually is stupid. Be more than that. In fact, put sex behind you (not like that) and be you before anything else. While Miley Cyrus seems to have sex in a 1960s Disney forest, the rest of us have to do it in reality. Unless you and the person you’re having sex with want it to be this amazing moment in a candlelit room, filled with the smells of Bed, Bath and Beyond while listening to an Easy listening station in the background, than it’s going to be whatever you make it. Not the magic and beauty she describes. Then again, maybe she’s doing it wrong. Or maybe sex with Miley is magical. Perhaps we should all aspire to have sex with Miley Cyrus to find out just how magical and beautiful it can be.