[alert color=”red” ]This article has a lot of spoilers, so if you haven’t seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, don’t read it. Or read it anyway, I don’t really care.[/alert]
For those who aren’t already aware of this, let me get a few things out of the way.
I’m not a fan of reboots and remakes, especially to classic movies which continue to stand the test of time. Trying to modernize a movie is one of the most horrible things Hollywood can, especially these days. In the past, they’ve been able to pull off remakes without butchering the story to death. The Dracula remakes over the years are an example of that; in particular, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
Being a big horror movie fan since the mid 80s when I began watching them as a child, I’m not easily one to convert over to the new versions of films I grew up with. When I heard that another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie was coming out, I was skeptical to say the least. Actually, that’s not really accurate. I had no intention of watching it because I knew I would hate the fuck out of it.
When I heard that Alexandra Daddario was in it though, my interest was peaked.
If you haven’t heard of her, I’m not surprised. Alexandra isn’t an actress who hits the cover of every magazine at the grocery store. That’s not to say she isn’t worthy of the attention. Quite the opposite actually. The 27 year old is beautiful, highly sexy, and can actually act. This is not a combination often found in films these days.
The Texas Chainsaw series previously had 6 films in it, starting with the 1974 classic about a cannibal family of deranged nutbags and their twisted weird ass son who likes to make masks from people’s faces.
The film reports to be true, and has convinced many people that it is an authentic retelling of an actual event. This was hammered into minds even more with the remake by Michael “Blow Everything The Fuck Up” Bay, using fake found footage from a police crime scene walk-through to sell the story.
[info color=”light” ]For those who think it’s true, it isn’t. It’s barely anything like the events that actually inspired the story.
Please be less dumb and stop telling your friends that this shit really happened.[/info]
Following the Classic
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D follows up directly from the original film. It uses archive footage from the original movie, starting out by showing Sally Hardesty’s escape of Leatherface and his crazy family. The actual movie starts by showing the reaction to the event, when the police are about to arrest Leatherface and are instead screwed over when an angry mob comes and attacks the house. After burning the house down and killing everyone but Leatherface, one of them discovers an infant and it’s mother have escaped the blaze. The douchebag who finds them takes the baby, kicks the mom in the face and raises her as their real daughter.
Congrats! You’re adopted! Here’s a house.
Fast forward to either 20 or 40 years later, depending on the filmmakers understanding of how the calendar works. The baby has now grown up into the drool inducingly hot Alexandra Daddario. Working as a meat cutter at a grocery story, a scene I’m sure inspired many non original jokes of this hot woman handling meat, she shows a weird obvious connection to the family she’s from. An example is how she brings home small bones that she stacks on a shelf.
The focus of the film is about the house she inherits. The home is in Texas, having once belong to the grandmother she didn’t know she had. After learning that she was adopted from her trashy horrible shitbag murdering family that can’t afford new socks, the woman who has more curves than a NASCAR track heads to Texas with a few friends.
As you can imagine, people die. Badly. Leatherface rips through them like they were nothing. Saying “fuck you” to typical expectations, Alexandra’s character defies the genre standard. By that, I mean she’s a hot non-virgin, with really big tits that trips over everything and DOESN’T DIE!
That’s right! She actually lives! That’s not something that you expect in slasher films. Generally, the hot girl dies. If you aren’t a virgin, this genre will kill you. If you have big tits, you have almost no chance. And tripping…just give up and wait for the killer to end your miserable existence.
In the movie, after Alexandra’s character freaks out, falls down some concrete stairs and trips in a graveyard, things start to get intense. Her idiot friends come out to see what the commotion is. The two idiots being her boyfriend and her best friend who he’s cheating on her with.
Seriously, what the fuck dude? Tania Raymonde is hot, but you’re dating Alexandra Fucking Daddario (fairly certain that isn’t her actual middle name)! Cheating on her is like having a choice to eat steak and passing it up to eat something that isn’t steak!
I did’t mean that how it sounds, but it still applies anyway.
I mean really, you have a hot as fuck girlfriend who likes your dumb ass, and you decide to cheat on her with her best friend? This guy is either a complete moron, or a lucky mother fucker. He not only gets to eat his cake, he gets to eat another cake as well!
That one I did on purpose.
Time to Leave…or at least make a half ass attempt at it
After climbing into his piece of crap van, they try to escape by ramming a vehicle that has the strength of a half charged Power Wheels into a steal gate. Shockingly, it doesn’t work. Instead, his van says “fuck this!” and turns off. Leatherface pursues, but they finally get out into the street.
Then they stop again. The van didn’t turn off, they just stopped.
Since they decided to hang around, it’s becomes Leatherface versus a fucked up piece of shit van, being driven by a guy who should not have been paid to be in this movie. Making out with a half naked Alexandra Daddario and being groped by Tania Raymonde should be enough to make you sign an 8 movie deal, including performing your own life threatening stunts.
In case you couldn’t guess, Leatherface wins the battle with the van. After he kills it, Alexandra escapes. Her boyfriend and best friend don’t fare as well. He dies in the car crash, and she later gets dragged off. Meanwhile, Leatherface chases after Alexandra, running through a crowded town fair. Now, as others have mentioned, there should have been a massacre here. Seriously, it would have been great to have him slaughter several people, just as Jason was doing in Freddy vs Jason during the rave, a scene that really should have been extended for several more minutes.
And by minutes I mean days.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. Leatherface had target lock on Alexandra and that’s all he cared about. I’m not sure why he really gave a shit about her by that point anyway. If he was trying to keep her from escaping, he failed that once she got the fair. He had a hell of a lot of witnesses he wasn’t really giving a crap about.
The town douchebags who killed the family in the beginning of the movie have decided that despite being an infant, Alexandra must pay! Forget the fact that she couldn’t even walk, she’s a Sawyer so that evil sexy big knockered bitch needs to die like the rest of them!
They decide to use her as bait for Leatherface. After taking her to an old slaughterhouse, the Deputy Douchebag accidentally rips open her shirt when she kicks him. Rather than getting her back by at least grabbing them, he points at her sternly and walks away. The shirt is also clearly taped to her tits because not once during her struggling or later fighting do those puppies pop out into view. Not a single time.
Honestly, I don’t expect those magnificent bastards to ever see the film light of day, but I can dream damn it.
Do your thing, cuz
By this point in the film, Alexandra has no love for this town at all. She’s clearly been fucked over way too many times in the film by people who aren’t swinging chainsaws at her and chopping up her friends.
So, when Leatherface shows up and notices a small brand she has on her chest (burned there by her mother’s necklace in the fire when she was baby), she doesn’t flee after he rescues her. Nope, instead she somehow reattaches the several buttons that were ripped from her shirt and turns the tables around completely.
As the town douchebags attempt to kill Leatherface, Alexandra comes to his rescue, offering up a cheesy line that was so terrible it was great. Sort of like anything that comes out of Steven Seagal’s mouth.
But why save the killer in the movie? Easy. She saw how horrible those dickheads were, having indiscriminately killed everyone including her mother. Hell, her own pretend dad said he should have left her there to die. What a fuckhead. I hope all of his socks have holes in them.
After killing these assholes, the sheriff from the beginning tells them to clean it up and leaves. Basically, he was tired of their shit also so he was happy to see them die. Alexandra goes off to live with Leatherface in the big awesome mansion of many sliding doors. Our chainsaw hero stays locked downstairs and she takes care of him. We are left with an ending that has a lot of possibility to continue.
Give me more!
I will admit that this movie wasn’t stellar by any means. However, I think my expectations were already so low that what it did accomplish was enough for me to like it. However, there was a lot of room for improvement.
Now, what I want to see is a continuation of this story. I want the same cast members. Don’t replace Alexandra! Keep her in the series and follow up directly behind this. There are plenty of ideas to go from, but this time around, please try to get some form of time continuity in place. In this film she was either 40 years old or you guys fucked up the props and vehicles. According to the actual time frame, this would have taken place in 1990. Several of those cars did not exist in 1990, nor did smart phones. Also, please add some deputies who aren’t so stupid that they will let the mayor tell them what to do, having them video everything in a house with a crazy chainsaw wielding psychopath, using just your phone’s shitty flashlight to help you see in the dark.
Make the film darker, give it a grittier look, and get rid of the flashing camera effect. Don’t just add things because other people did. If it doesn’t fit, like those stupid flashing camera effects, get rid of them.
As I’ve mentioned, I like Alexandra. She was great in the Bereavement remake, and I thought she did a great job in this film as well. Sure, I mention how damn hot she is and how her chest is nothing short of spectacular, but provided she doesn’t come to my house and kick me in the eyes, I’m hoping to see her in more.
I would like to see a sequel to this film, one that they take advantage of that sinister look she pulls off so easily. In the end of this film, they showed that she can be just as dangerous and foreboding as any other killer, and her eyes are extremely expressive of that particular thought. She’s also very beautiful, so you could easily flip a switch with her and go from cute girl next door to raving lunatic cutting your head off with garden shears in an instant.
Actually, they should make that movie also.
So in the end, I liked the movie. They could have done a lot more in the way of making the timeline make sense, killing more people, and providing a darker film, but overall it’s something I’ll likely watch again. I’m glad they kept Leatherface like he’s supposed to be, rather than mutating him into something else like the Halloween remake. Hopefully a sequel will follow, with Alexandra still living in the house. After all, there are a lot more people to kill.
My proposed sequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D
If I were to write a sequel for this film, the premise I would work with is not something typically found within the horror genre. As we’ve seen, Leatherface will protect his family at any cost. He kills anyone who threatens them, and he’ll do what they tell him. So let’s work with that. Bring a home invasion into the mix. Let’s go with this idea:
Alexandra lives alone in the massive house. Leatherface still lives in the basement, and she still cares for him. On the surface, things seem fine. Well, fine except that this super hot woman seemingly lives alone. Anyway, a group of tough idiots decide to break into the house after having cased the place for days. Maybe set it up so they (or at least one of them) did some work for her in the house, so he believes she is alone.
After they break in and try to steal things from the house, they start being picked off by Leatherface. Maybe she gets attacked by these guys a la Last House on the Left or I Spit on Your Grave, and she kills at least one of them on her own. But also let her give a sinister warning to them that they broke into the wrong house. That they won’t be leaving…at least, not in once piece.
I like the idea of him being an anti-hero, as he was referred to by others. We don’t often see in movies, a character who is completely brutal and destructive, but is actually being the good guy. He does not have a history of being a good guy, but with this film, they redirected a lot of his crazy in a way that didn’t fuck it up. Sort of like Jason in the end of Freddy Vs. Jason taking down Freddy and not going after Monica Keena. He wasn’t just killing everyone for the hell of it. You can do the same with Leatherface, but likely easier because unlike Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, he can be manipulated and directed.
And now for a completely gratuitous animated gif of Alexandra Daddario running.