Transcendence, the Johnny Depp film you probably didn’t see

Johnny Depp, the man who the ladies will adore for the rest of time, stars in the suspense sci fi action drama thriller coming of age romance love story of one woman’s triumph over adversity, Transcendence. In case you happen to have missed this movie, like pretty much everyone on the planet, let me break it down for you.

Johnny Depp plays a scientist who wants to create artificial intelligence. Kate Mara once again plays a super annoying character, who in this film hates screaming monkey A.I. After she helps plot the death of Edward Pirate Hands, his wife (Rebecca Hall) and best friend (Paul Bettany) decide to upload Depp’s consciousness into an existing A.I., enabling him to live forever as the most advanced game of Minecraft ever invented.

Here we see Johnny Depp after being forced to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for two straight episodes.
Here we see Johnny Depp after being forced to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for two straight episodes.

After an exhaustive interrogation consisting basically of “Will?”, Bettany is skeptical that Sweeney Todd is actually in the system. He proposes that it’s really the original system PINN, now masquerading as the dead guy Hall recently cremated and bathed herself in.

PINN, which stands for Pornographic Intelligence Naked Naked, had an uncanny ability to predict the exact type of hentai each individual prefers. It also stored enormous amounts of recipes for brownies. Being that Depp’s character is a massive fan of both hentai porn and brownies, the use of PINN as a base was nothing short of destiny.

Shortly after going live and hitting the webernet, Depp OS and his wife buy and rebuild a town into a mecha of technology at least 63% beyond that of Star Trek. The most notable achievement is nanotechnology which can not only rebuild and heal but also create from nothing.

The anti-technology nuts R.I.F.T. (Revolutionary Independence From Technology), who constantly use technology throughout the movie, declare all of this a threat to human beings. After seeing the many people who have been healed by this technology, Mara and the easily converted Bettany decide it must be killed. As such a thing can only be badong, they choose to virus all technology on the planet so badly that none of it ever works again. PINN, clearly lying about being Gilbert Grape and hiding it’s true intentions, shall be no more.

Second Willy Wonka reveals that he is in fact, in the system. He also explains that his swarms of nanobots currently covering the world are doing so to repair pollution damage and help life flourish further. This of course happens just before the mortar attack against both his wife and the newly formed body of this previously thought dead guy. The virus spreads, and they are both found in a failed spooning attempt, killed to death by murder.

Also, Morgan Freeman was in the movie, starring as the guy who pops up randomly in places so people who would say “Holy shit, Morgan Freeman is in this movie!”

Now the short version of the movie Transcendence

Kate Mara: “Technology is bad! Kill the dude from all those Tim Burton movies!”

Johnny Depp: “Ah, I’m shot. And irradiated!”

Rebecca Hall: “Let’s use DVDXCopy and put a copy of Johnny Depp on my computer!”

Paul Bettany: “Whatever, I married Jennifer Connelly. I win at life.”

Depp OS: “Yo.”

Rebecca Hall: “It’s totally him!”

Paul Bettany: “I don’t know about that…but I’ll never turn on him.”

Rebecca Hall: “Fuck you! Get out! I’m buying a town! Build my shit! Let’s eat.”

Clifton Collins Jr.: “Talls!”

Thieves: “Take his money and his talls!”

Clifton Collins Jr.: “Ugh. I’m almost dead.”

Depp OS: “I fixed his shit doodes. Plus he has wifi now.”

Rebecca Hall: “I’m totally scared now. Don’t look at me!”

Paul Bettany: “Let’s virus him.”

Kate Mara: “It helped people. They might become screaming computer monkeys! Kill them all!”

Morgan Freeman: “I’m Morgan Freeman.”

Rebecca Hall: “I’ll take the virus and upload it in him. I love him. It’s not him. When did Morgan Freeman have time to write this note? Solar panels.”

Kate Mara: “It’s just pretending to be him! Bomb them both! She’s totally not helping and shit!”

Rebecca Hall: “Owie! Bombs hurt!”

Johnny Depp: “No wait! I’m really in here and I’m just trying to help! Fuck it I’m dead. So is she.”

Kate Mara: “Now all technology is dead because we were dumbasses.”

The whole planet: “Fuck Kate Mara, you stupid bitch! I’d totally post about this on Twitter but you fucked it all up! You have nice boobs though.”

That’s basically the movie.


Yes, Morgan Freeman was in the movie

Typically, Morgan Freeman stands out in any film he is in. That wasn’t quite the case in Transcendence. His character was often forgotten. The second or third time he showed up in the movie, my wife goes “Morgan Freeman is in this?”

It also seemed like the Voice of God was only added to the movie to claim him in it. He would pop up every now and then to remind you that he was cast in the film, but this was a movie which really did not even try to make use of his power. Hell, they didn’t even use his voice for the narration. That’s a cinema sin right there!

Kate Mara, leader of the assholes

Kate Mara, a good actress who typically plays an asshole, steps outside of her comfort zone and plays an asshole in this movie.
Kate Mara, a good actress who typically plays an asshole, steps outside of her comfort zone and plays an asshole in the movie Transcendence.

I must admit that when I see Kate Mara in a film or TV show, I immediately begin my spiral into loathing. As an actress, she’s fine. My problem is with her characters. Nearly every character I’ve seen her play annoys the hell out of me. With this film, they managed to create an annoying character based on the ultra irritating radical hypocritical activist douchebags who have no idea what they are doing.

In Transcendence, Kate Mara plays the leader of these shit weasels. They give themselves a name which speaks of independence from technology, but consistently rely on it through the film to track people and progress, and to achieve their various goals.

At one point in the film, they “save” a man to death. By that, I mean they keep him disconnected from Depp OS and let him die. They say it was to give him back his humanity. The man told them that they needed to let him connect or he would die. They didn’t seem to care.

It didn’t matter what the dying guy wanted, these shitheads had their own plans. It reminds me of religious extremist groups who decide that you must follow their religious beliefs no matter what you personally want for yourself or believe. Scumbag assholes.

Almost super technology

The movie oozes technology via every Ethernet port pore it has. This is of course expected given the premise of the film, but no matter what they pushed, an issue continued to pop up. Follow this logic with me:

Johnny Depp, prior to becoming Depp OS, is part of a team that helps create the most advanced, sophisticated version of Cleverbot ever created. He then merges with the system and begins to hack networks and computer systems around the world, cracking super hulk firewalls and constructing advanced devices never before thought possible. He then develops nanobots that can instantly heal people from fatal wounds. They form an interconnected group that can work together and do extraordinary things, placing this super system at the heart of it all. These nanobots can then spread around the world via the atmosphere and rain, repairing damage done to the planet and making the world a supremely awesome place.

All of this is possible but somehow, he can’t make his fucking monitors display without glitching.

When all is said and done

That’s my wife’s wallpaper, too.

The start of the movie showed that Johnny Depp has clearly been playing a drunk senile pirate for too long. His acting seemed a bit off frequently, but given that much of his work was voice only, the weirdness may have been limited.

This film told a story similar to many other sci fi movies, both big budget and straight to video. The difference between this film and most of the others is that the A.I. isn’t the bad guy, the people are. The machine tries to help us, and a band of dickheads who have watched the Matrix too many times decide to destroy it before doing any research outside that of a single guy.

In the end, I liked the movie. It had a Lawnmower Man feel to it, great special effects, and a load of cast members that are great at what they do (despite the weird acting by Depp at the start of the film).


Also, I must say that it’s great to see Clifton Collins Jr again. He’s a pretty dynamic actor, and I’ve come to enjoy his characters. That being said, grab a tall and watch The Stoned Age.

1 thought on “Transcendence, the Johnny Depp film you probably didn’t see”

  1. THANKYOU! Kate Mara’s character was summed up perfectly in this article!

    Annoying, pretentious pain the ass that is the most hypocritical of the lot!

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