Entertainment

The Zombie Halloween Movies

Seriously, how did these movies get so screwed up? I know that these days, every movie has to be remade with some new bunch of bullshit added to screw it up, but the Halloween remake completely missed the point.

In the original Halloween movie, Michael Myers came from a good home. His family was normal. One day, the Michael Myers we know decided to kill his older sister. Why? No one has a clue. He just did it. There was no reason behind it. He simply turned into a murdering psychopath. THAT is what made Michael Myers and the idea of him scary.

That, and the fact that he killed that hot ass sister of his. You have to be nuts to kill that.

Through the whole series, Michael was a calm, calculated killer. There was no reason for what he did. He simply killed anyone who got in the way of continuing his family massacre.

Fast forward to Rob Zombie’s Halloween. Michael now comes from a severely fucked up home, full of drunks, strippers, and horrible people. He mutilates and kills animals, and even murdered a bully from his school. Michael now has a reason for being the way he is.

WHAT THE FUCK, ZOMBIE!? That’s such a shit thing to do to this series. I get the idea of making a gritty serial killer movie, but don’t attach the Halloween name to it. The only thing it holds in common are the character names and time it takes place. We have a bastardized fucked up version of a great movie, chock full of a slew of stupid shit that was added simply for shock. Plus, he went from a regular size guy to a massive hulk, apparently by making hundreds of shitty masks.

michael myersThe original Michael Myers showed us that a killer can come from anywhere. You didn’t need to have a fucked up childhood, full of every cliche you can add to make a horrible trashy family. Hell, even the music in the movie seemed out of place. It was almost like they realized at the end that they forgot to add the Halloween music, then dumped it all over the movie just to have it.

This movie reminds me of the Dawn of the Dead remake. Most of the movie got it right, but then screwed up by saying you had to be bitten to become a zombie. No, you don’t. You die, and rise again. That’s it. Saying you have to be bitten gives the zombies a reason for being. It has to be viral, giving you something to fight against. I loved Land of the Dead, but particularly enjoyed the part where Romero showed a guy who hung himself and came back as a zombie. No bite, just a suicide. It was almost like he was smacking them in the face and reminding them that these zombies do not have a reason. They just are.

In horror movies, one of the best things you can do is remove a reason for something being. Michael had no reason to be what he was. Zombies have no reason for being. When you have a reason, you have something to fight against or something that you can use to battle with. That removes fear. The scariest things are those that happen without reason.

But then, maybe that’s why we have so many things to blame for anything that happens. If someone kills someone, a reason must be sought out. Video games, movies, music, caffeine, too much sunshine, the alignment of the planets, the fact that it’s Wednesday….it’s why people do shit. With a reason, we can feel safe, feel like we have something we can do to prevent this kind of stuff.

With the original Halloween, there was nothing. Sure, they gave it a ridiculous reason in the later sequels, but in the beginning, there was nothing. There was a killer who appeared without reason, and committed horrible crimes (in particular the naked big tittied sister killing). He was a child from a good home and became a monster for no reason.

Zombie did a good job of creating a serial killer. He did a horrible job of remaking Halloween. Even the sweet, well mannered and shy Laurie got completely screwed up, transformed into the same annoying perverted asshole that her friends were. She wasn’t like that! She was the goody two-shoes of the group. Instead, the only thing we have to link her to the original version is that she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Instead of the nice girl we were provided in the original, we’ve been given this highly annoying pain in the ass. As the movie progressed, she took overacting to a new level, especially with the screaming. What the flying fuck man?! The ending of that movie was terrible. I was hoping Michael would have punched the hell out of her and told her to shut the fuck up.

Why stop at once when you can fuck up twice

The movie was followed up by a sequel that dwarfed it’s predecessor in sheer awfulness. I didn’t think it could be done, but it did it to a degree of extreme proportions. It was as if making a shitty sequel to a shitty movie  became an Olympic event. It even managed to take the dialog and fuck it up even worse than the first one. Rather than write dialog from the late 70’s and early 80’s, they crammed it full of 90’s and 2000’s, hoping no one would notice. Hell, they even made a mention of Dahmer and he wasn’t even known about for 10 more fucking years! And Austin Powers?! What the fuck?!

What in the fuck is this shit supposed to explain!?
What in the fuck is this stupid horseshit supposed to explain!? [pun intended]
To make it worse, they topped it off with massive amounts of ridiculously annoying symbolism that only made everything more confusing and disconnected from the original Michael Myers and Halloween films. I really can’t understand the point of dumping all of that into the film. It didn’t help ANYTHING. The story wasn’t explained any better, the characters were not better fleshed out. It only managed to make things make even less sense than without it. Hell, even Laurie started seeing that crap in her dreams, which made no sense because she was a baby the last time she saw her fucking mother so how the fuck is she dreaming about her?!

Plus, the whole going crazy shit was getting old very fast. As in, knock that shit the fuck off after the first 10 minutes. Her friend had no problem dealing with this shit, but Laurie is now a basket case who has lost her mind. Her damn friend was almost killed. Laurie was no where near as damaged as her friend, but we’re supposed to watch her go through her meltdown through the whole movie and feel sympathetic. I didn’t. I can only imagine how tired of that shit her friend was after living with her for 2 years, because I was ready to hit her with a big stick after the first 30 minutes.

Anyway, that’s Halloween 2007 for you. A fucked up stupidfest of idiotic proportions.

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